After running into a friend on my way to the bookstore, I began to think. Are we all clinging, as adults, to past relationships?
“When we hide from the world in this way, we feel secure. We may think that we have quieted our fear, but we are actually making ourselves numb with fear. We surround ourselves with our own familiar thoughts, so that nothing sharp or painful can touch us. We are so afraid of our fear that we deadened our hearts.” –Chogyam Trungpa
I listened to my friend’s story, of change and growth. And then began to wonder on my bike ride home, aren’t we all clinging to our past? Hoping that new people, new lovers, new friends can replace what we have lost? I find this so perplexing considering how I approached friendships in my youth. It was come or go, and every day was a new adventure forgetting about the past. It seems like we need to cling on to more, like we need the security of someone “knowing” us to make us feel safe. To sit next to a stranger and hear their story, it seems to meet new people, is far more dangerous in this “adult” world we have created.
I’ve been chewing on this for some time, because i’ve recently been daydreaming about my next new adventure. I have let certain people in and been let down by others, and wonder now how do I keep myself curious and open, as my life gets more complicated?
I’ve hesitated for a few weeks on posting this, mostly because there is a tinge of negativity along with it that I don’t like. I think mostly it is the relationship in Shambhala culture that I am drawn the most to, on being brave. On seeing all the beauty that surrounds me and be willing to be alone and know that ultimately i am alone.
“Whatever you may be doing, every minute of every hour is a new chapter, a new page?”—Chogyam Trungpa
I never would have expected at 28 to still be wandering… and most of the people that I connect the most to are still “lost”. Still engaging in the beauty of the everyday. Still feeling the breeze for the first time, and instead of being giddy with excitement feeling it with an ache of pain, because they are raw with an open heart.