This morning, as the sun rose over the foothills there was a gentle breeze that I felt against my face, and for a moment I remembered how lucky I really am. For all the heartache, all the family troubles, all the grief and pain that I have endured, I am here. In this moment, and isn’t that all we really have?

I came across this quote this morning by C.S. Lewis. “This moment contains all moments.” Reminding me again that everything I need, I have. All the courage in moments that I seek to find already lies within me. All the tenderness I need when listening to pain in others, I have the ability to hold the space for. All the patience and forgiveness I need to muster, I hold.

As the morning slowly rolled on, Patti, an older British woman that comes down daily for her morning mocha greeted me. We always exchange smiles, but due to her hard hearing we dont engage in conversation.

This morning though, prompted by my scooter, she stated  “I had one when I was your age. Though I left it back home when we moved to the States.” She continued “ I loved it.” I could feel the freedom and joy it brought her in her voice. “When I went back to visit the following summer, I ran out to the garage, excited to give it a whirl and it wasn’t there. I ran inside and asked my mum where it was. She grabbed my hand she walked me into the kitchen.  She pointed at the refrigerator, and said, “There is your scooter”

“She sold it after I had left.”  We both laughed. I asked her if she had forgave her mom. “Couldn’t well do anything else could I? Can’t cut your own mother off over a scooter, now can you? Or a refrigerator.”

The tone of her voice was so genuine. I knew that in that moment she wasn’t mad at all at her mother. She accepted it, happy that her mom now had a fridge and not in the least bit angry. Its easy to get caught up on the little things, but to be reminded of what really matters at the end of the day, or the end of a life, is where true beauty lives. To meet each moment, and not expect any more than what that moment brings. To enjoy everything for its time, and when that time passes, when the chapter is over, start a new one.

So as I sit and wonder where my life is going, what my next move will be, I sink further into right now and realize that it will all be taken care of. All I have to do is show up. Let go. Most importantly, surrender to the moment in front of me.

“When we hide from the world in this way, we feel secure. We may think that we have quieted our fear, but we are actually making ourselves numb with fear. We surround ourselves with our own familiar thoughts, so that nothing sharp or painful can touch us. We are so afraid of our fear that we deadened our hearts.” –Chogyam Trungpa

I listened to my friend’s story, of change and growth. And then began to wonder on my bike ride home, aren’t we all clinging to our past? Hoping that new people, new lovers, new friends can replace what we have lost? I find this so perplexing considering how I approached friendships in my youth. It was come or go, and every day was a new adventure forgetting about the past. It seems like we need to cling on to more, like we need the security of someone “knowing” us to make us feel safe. To sit next to a stranger and hear their story, it seems to meet new people, is far more dangerous in this “adult” world we have created.

I’ve been chewing on this for some time, because i’ve recently been daydreaming about my next new adventure. I have let certain people in and been let down by others, and wonder now how do I keep myself curious and open, as my life gets more complicated?

I’ve hesitated for a few weeks on posting this, mostly because there is a tinge of negativity along with it that I don’t like. I think mostly it is the relationship in Shambhala culture that I am drawn the most to, on being brave. On seeing all the beauty that surrounds me and be willing to be alone and know that ultimately i am alone.

“Whatever you may be doing, every minute of every hour is a new chapter, a new page?”—Chogyam Trungpa

I never would have expected at 28 to still be wandering… and most of the people that I connect the most to are still “lost”. Still engaging in the beauty of the everyday. Still feeling the breeze for the first time, and instead of being giddy with excitement feeling it with an ache of pain, because they are raw with an open heart.

after reading a blog post by kendall ruth at the ink he quotes frederick  buechner “it was the silence, which we usually find so awkward. We’re embarrassed; we’re afraid of silence because we use words so often not to reveal who we are but to conceal who we are. We hide behind our chatter. In silence is a kind of sense of being stripped naked.”

reading those words haunts me. carrying around all of these things because i feel like it is a part of me. that i will not be who i am without them..that the more things we have and hold on to the more we will be. the more we will leave behind. the less we will be forgotten.

i want, at the end of my life, to not look around and see all the peices that i have collected but remember the moments that mattered. they way your heart feels with you look into your lovers eyes, not by looking at the diamond on your finger but the feeling in your heart.

i want too to spend time in silence. have less things. breathe deeply. sit alone. really listen to what a friend is saying. just BE. the question now is, how?

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. —ralph waldo emerson.

what is “yoga” success? is it going forty day in a row, not being present? how many times have i dragged myself there to find myself thinking about the laundry list of chores and errands during the postures?

so instead, i choose to practice when i can, and make it worth it. if that means it takes me four months to do 40 days of yoga. so be it.

Starting a blog.  Hope it builds to something we all love.

To the new year, and the city I live.